Remember, Remember It’s Nearly September!

24 Jun

I’m having a crisis.

I’m always in crisis in some form (aren’t we all?),but this is what is currently on my mind.

Liv starts school in September. Which is wonderful and exciting and scary.

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I feel like I am on the edge of a precipice, wondering what an earth am I supposed to do in September.

Since The Bo was born I have been a stay at home mum. Needing childcare for two children under five isn’t financially viable unless you are extremely lucky.

If I am honest, Motherhood didn’t come to me naturally. It was hard and emotional. I lost myself somewhere amongst the mounds of washing and vomit and lack of sleep.

About a year and a half ago I got a little Saturday job in an independent wine shop. There was so much to learn about the products I was selling. I served teas and coffees and food and learned as much as I could about wine. I went to the library and looked things up on the internet because I wanted to know and because customers expected me to know.

Bit by bit, Saturday by Saturday I began to rediscover myself.

Except this was an updated, upgraded version. More confident, more assertive and self-assured.

I guess that the trials and tribulations of motherhood had taught me to toughen up and grow a thicker skin.

Earlier this year the shop closed down. Another casualty of this depressing economic climate.

It sounds ridiculous but it had a massive effect on me. I lost the one day of the week that was totally mine, the lovely people who I had got to know,and knew me for me and not just as someones mother and the people who I worked with actually listened to me and respected my opinion.

I am lost again.

With Liv starting school in September it should be a perfect opportunity to get back into work. But the odds feel as though they are stacked against me. A husband whos working patterns change daily mean that evening work is almost impossible, school holidays and school drop off and pick up times to consider. We don’t have the luxury of family or friends available to do some of the childcare when work and school crosses over.

I feel quite paralysed with worry. I want to contribute more to my family. I want to be a good example to my children and I want to be a valued member of a team. I just cannot see how I can meld all of these thing into one

Is it still a womans lot, or just mine to want to balance everything and yet the scales tip no matter what? Wanting to be useful  but feeling utterly useless? Wanting to feel like you are more than a mother but feeling that you are nothing other? Wanting to be fulfilled but feeling unfulfilled? To want to achieve something in life yet feeling complete under-achievemnet.

I am sure this feeling will pass, no doubt quicker than it should, and I am sure that I am not the only woman out there who has ever felt like this.

I need to re assess my strengths and re-evaluate where I am taking the rest of my life. I just see September looming large like a shadowy spectre and it is making me freeze.

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One Response to “Remember, Remember It’s Nearly September!”

  1. Clare Philpott June 25, 2013 at 8:54 am #

    You are not alone Hannah. I don’t know a mother who hasn’t felt the same and it is inevitable that these feelings will come and go over the years.

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